It’s Thanksgiving weekend so what better time to launch Spor Repor with our first Stache’s Spreads just thirteen weeks into a seventeen week NFL season (hey, at least it isn’t as bad as our college football timing). These picks are expertly chosen with a Mountain Dew in one hand and a Taco Bell chicken quesadilla in the other, leaving us to type with our toes. The bold team indicates the one we pick because we are bold pickers (get it) and the home team is on the right. Anyways, without further to do, enjoy.

Thursday:

Chicago (+7) vs Detroit (-7)

Analysis: With Thanksgiving weekend being a big time at the box office, it makes sense that Megatron of the Transformers will show up and destroy the city of Chicago once again.

Philadelphia (+3) vs Dallas (-3)

Analysis: GO DUCKS!

Seattle (+1) vs San Francisco (-1)

Analysis: The 49ers grandmas are in town for Thanksgiving and won’t let them leave until they have pumpkin pie. They arrive to the stadium to fatigued.

Sunday:

Washington (+10) vs Indianapolis (-10)

Analysis: Indianapolis know how to handle Colts, as in starting QB Colt McCoy. I mean, it’s their nickname for pete sakes.

Tennessee (+6) vs Houston (-6)

Analysis: In the battle of who are the rightful owners of whose fans can wear Houston Oilers gear out of a want to be retro, Tennessee wins because it’s less color-clashing.

Cleveland (+2.5) vs Buffalo (-2.5)

Analysis: The Bills return home and forget to pack an extra pair of socks, thinking that their home is now indoors and in Detroit for some reason and lose because of it. Also, I mean, Josh Gordon…come on bro.

San Diego (+5.5) vs Baltimore (-5.5)

Analysis: Since it isn’t the month of December yet, San Diego is unable to break their contract of underwhelming until the last possible moment when they attempted to pull one out of their yahoo.

NY Giants (-2.5) vs Jacksonville (+2.5)

Analysis: I mean, the Jacksonville Jaguars need to win more then one game during the season. It puts it over the edge for the Jags when Archie and Peyton make an announcement prior to the game kicking Eli out of the family, fearing they’ll contract interceptionitious.

Cincinnati (-4) vs Tampa Bay (+4)

Analysis: In a high-scoring game says my fantasy football teams, the Cincinnati Bengals win after Tampa Bay realizes they play in the NFC South.

Oakland (+7) vs St. Louis (-7)

Analysis: St Louis realizes that the only player they need to have a competitive team is a QB so they start tanking the rest of the season in order to get good trade bait to move up and get Mariota, with of course some help by the officials.

New Orleans (+3.5) vs Pittsburgh (-3.5)

Analysis: See Cincinnati vs. Tampa Bay pick

Carolina (+3) vs Minnesota (-3)

Analysis: One team has to win between these two bad but not horrible teams so…why not the non-NFC South team

Arizona (-2.5) vs Atlanta (+2.5)

Analysis: HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY THIS! THE NFC SOUTH IS BAD! ESPECIALLY AGAINST A 9-2 TEAM!

New England (+3) vs Green Bay (-3)

Analysis: The bookies do know the score of the Detroit vs. New England game last Sunday, don’t they?

Denver (-1) vs Kansas City (+1)

Analysis: I tossed a coin in the air and it landed on heads so that means Denver will win cause…of Peyton’s massive forehead.

Monday:

Miami (-5.5) vs NY Jets (+5.5)

Analysis: If the Dolphins can be competitive with the Broncos in Denver, do you honestly think it’s going to be a close game against the lowly Jets.