Paul Allen Signs Preemptive Restraining Order Against 2017 – Sportsverse

Following the devastation caused by 2016, Seattle Seahawks and Portland Trail Blazers owner Paul Allen has singed a preemptive restraining order against 2017 in a King County courthouse Friday morning.

Allen, the 63-year-old co-founder of Microsoft, took the peculiar step after witnessing the deaths of Hollywood actresses Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds earlier this week. While the logistics of having a restraining order against an entire year remain complicated, Allen believes it is a necessary step following what 2016 has entailed.

“Business tycoons were largely saved from 2016. Just look at Warren [Buffet]. He’s 86 for pete sakes,” said Allen outside of the King County courthouse to a reporter from the Seattle Tribune. “Prince, Bowie, George Michaels. Musicians got hit hard. Scalia, Rob Ford, Janet Reno, Nancy [Reagan]. Politicians died. Shandling and Wilder. Comedians died. Ali, Chyna, Gordie Howe, Pat [Summit], Arnie. Athletes died. Businessmen are next I tell you.”

“I’ve advised Bill [Gates] and Steve [Ballmer] to do the same before New Years. I’ve advised other owners in the NFL and NBA who are over the hill such as myself to do the same. After witnessing 2016, we don’t know if 2017 will be naughtier or nicer. We need to prepare ourselves against this potential monster. A restraining order against 2017 is the least I can do.”

Legal experts believe upholding a restraining order against an entire year would be difficult in court and potential deaths would be hard to pin on 2017.

“You’re joking right,” said Seattle area attorney John Smith. “Get out of my office. Now!”

In the meantime, Paul Allen is reportedly seeking refuge in a bunker under Bill Gates’s house in Medina until 2016 comes to a conclusion. “No way 2016 is going to find me in there. No way.”