On the heels of Washington’s Apple Cup, which was set up to be an impromptu Pac-12 semifinal game, their neighbors to the south are attempting to hide the true meaning of their state’s rivalry game. 

Following a disappointing season for Oregon and business as usual season for Oregon State, the loser of this year’s Civil War football game will finish in last place in the Pac-12 North division. Meanwhile, depending on the result in Saturday’s UCLA/Cal game, the winner could be playing for the glorious title of second worst team in the Pac-12 North division.

Nonetheless, both the Ducks and Beavers programs are attempting to deflect how smelly this year’s Civil War game is in order to rile up support. 

“I think this will be a great game as always,” stated Oregon head coach Mark Helfrich. “If Ducks win, we’ll finish with 5 wins. Heck, last week we beat Utah on the road. Do you know the score of that game? I can show you if you want. It wouldn’t be too much trouble. It’s right here on my chest.”

After our reporter got Helfrich to put his shirt back on, he further went on to state, “…like I said, we could get to 5 wins. You know what that means? We could get a bowl invite. You know how many bowl games there are. Do you really think there are that many teams that finished with a winning record. I thought so. I assume we have this APR thing that 5-win teams must have to get an invite. I mean Uncle Phil buys us everything. There must be some APR, whatever that stands for, lying around this place.”

Just up the road in Corvallis (seriously, they’re connected by a single road, why does know one ever talk about this), Beavers head coach Gary Andersen is singing a different tune regarding the Civil War. “Ding a dang dong we’re the champions. We are the champions, my friends. We’ll keep on fighting till the end. We are the champions. We are the champions. No time for losers because we are the champions of the world.”

Note: Oregon State are not and have never been declared the champions of the world.