Marking one of the greatest moments in program history, the 2nd seeded Oregon State Beavers womens basketball program has made it to this year’s Final Four after knocking off the top seeded Baylor Bears in the Elite Eight. However, on the campus of Oregon State and around the area of Corvallis, people are believing in a different narrative.
As early as the post-game press conference, the Oregon State Beavers womens basketball program is adamant that they just knocked off the Oregon Ducks in the Elite Eight rather than the Baylor Bears. In the Tuesday edition of the Corvallis Gazette-Times, the front page headline reads “Beavers Win Elite War, Onto Final Four” accompanied by a photo from last January’s home game against the Ducks.
Head coach Scott Rueck believes that he and his program are in the right and that the rest of the country outside of Corvallis should get their eyes checked. “Those were the Oregon Ducks out there folks. They were wearing green and yellow uniforms people. Those are Oregon’s colors,” said Rueck in an irritated tone.
When asked to explain the “Baylor” text on the jersey, Rueck stated “Texas is a foreign country. People say in Japan that there country is called Nippon don’t they? Maybe Baylor means Oregon in Texan and they were being respectful of local customs. I don’t know, I don’t speak Texan. However, those were definitely the Ducks consarn it!”
Rightfully so, many outside of Corvallis are confused about the situation, especially individuals at the University of Oregon.
“Umm…yeah, I don’t think people in Corvallis are handily their weed quite correctly,” said Oregon womens basketball head coach Kelly Graves. “Granted, I’ll admit, we were playing basketball in Texas Monday night but El Paso and Dallas are in two completely different parts of the state. I’d hate to ruin the team’s buzz but I hope they know marijuana is still illegal in the lone star state.”
In response to Graves’s statement, Rueck states “Umm…yeah, who lost to us twice in January? Oh, that’s right, the Ducks. Well guess what Graves, you lost to us three times in a single-season and there’s no changing that no matter how much you want to. We won the Civil War. We’re better at you than football. Our mens basketball team is better. Our mens track and field team is better. Our womens track and field team is better. Our softball team is better. Our mens indoor track and field team is better. Our womens indoor track and field team is better. Our mens cross country team is better. Our womens cross country team is better. Our volleyball team is better. Our baseball team is better. Those are all fact. Case dismissed.”
…Meanwhile the actual Oregon Ducks are still alive this postseason and made it to the NCAA Womens NIT Final Four where they’ll face South Dakota after beating UTEP in the Elite Eight and “beaver” is still a derogatory term used to describe a certain female reproductive organ. Go Ducks!