Following the departure of their seventh player this offseason, the University of Oregon has decided to clone point guard Payton Pritchard multiple times in order to fill out their mens basketball roster for next season.
Since their Final Four loss to North Carolina, Oregon have seen three players leave early for the NBA, two seniors graduate, and two players transfer. This leaves Pritchard the lone returning Duck out of the team’s Top 8 performing players from last season.
“We’re hoping NCAA officials won’t recognize that we’ve cloned one of our players” stated one Oregon official who mistakenly thought this was off-the-record (psych). “After all, Pritchard is an indiscernible white basketball player with absolutely no characteristics that make him stand out. If we put three of him on the court at once, no one should be able to tell they’re all the same person.”
“We’ve been backed into a corner with all of these departures and have nowhere else to turn,” stated another Oregon official who did not clearly see I was crossing my fingers behind my back when I said this was off-the-record. “We’re hoping Troy [Brown Jr] will distract people enough with his brilliance that they won’t look too in-depth into his teammates.”
Officials state they plan on making three Pritchard clones. The clones, named Roman Sorkin, Evan Gross, and Anthony Piganelli, will be constructed at Nike’s headquarters in Beaverton and transported to the university by the fall. The university has already set-up fake social media accounts for the players as well as fake recruiting profiles on 247Stalkers.
When pressed for comment, athletic director Rob Moseley stated these findings from Spor Repor were utterly false, stating “if we were going to clone anyone it’d be Keith Smith. Can you tell me what he looks like? Yeah, I thought so. People know what Payton Pritchard looks like.”