Long have sports teams fought it out trying to see whose is better by going up against each other in the flesh. With the recent advent of Twitter, those battles have now taken to the web by means of players calling each other out in public and sports teams social media accounts going at it to see which intern is wittier.
Well, at Spor Repor, we are here to find out which team is best in the most literal way possible: nicknames. Yes, there is a reason teams call themselves wildcats or tigers instead of cows or koalas. It is because teams realize that as long as you talk tough, you are tough, just like in the dating game.
That is why Spor Repor is calling out every sports team’s bluff to see if their nickname truly stacks up against the rest of the team nicknames in their league in the most literal sense possible. To keep thing fair, we’re ranking every team alphabetically in a single-elimination bracket and whoever comes out on top will have the ultimate bragging rights in the eyes of Spor Repor.
Without further ado, let’s kick off the Nickname Wars with the Western Indoor Soccer League (WISL).
Aviators (Arlington) vs Fire (Wenatchee)
Fire is one of the long-standing foes man has faced on this Earth. It ruins harvests, tears down forests, and nearly destroyed the city of Chicago. The Wenatchee Fire come into the first round with a quality nickname that could take down many a land-based opponent. However, the Fire have to go up against the air-based Aviators of Arlington. All the Aviators have to do is have a few smoke jumpers on board with some water buckets and the Fire are no match. Aviators win.
Artesians (Oly Town) vs Aviators (Arlington)
For those who don’t know, an artesian is something that literally moves water upward. Now, Oly Town isn’t named the Artesians because of that but rather the term relating to people who make some sort of art. Nonetheless, Oly Town should feel lucky for not being in the first round as they rank last in the WISL nickname rankings I just made up. Aviators continue their air assault into the finals. Aviators win.
Hammers (Bellingham) vs Stars (Tacoma)
While it may seem the Stars should wipe the board clean, Tacoma brings up one of the few rules regarding the Nickname Wars, otherwise known as the Superman rule. Since “Stars” are unable to actually attack anything on Earth since once it enters our solar system it will therefore be known as a Sun, they have to battle the Hammers as they are. Since the Stars can’t actually do anything to the Hammers without a massive solar flare that’d destroy them both (I think), the Hammers win by default.
Aviators (Arlington) vs Hammers (Bellingham)
In the truly interesting matchup, we have a couple of planes against a couple of Hammers that have a consciousness and full capability of their movements. The real wildcard is what are the hammers capable of with full autonomy. The Hammers will be a tough target for the Aviators to hit from the air, forcing the Aviators to the ground. While only being able to land in an open area gives the Aviators an advantage in the sense that the Hammers will be unable to hide, the targeting mobility of the Aviator’s weapons will have severely shrunk. The Hammers take advantage of having learned how to use perpetual momentum and end up smashing the slow-moving metal Aviators to a scrap. Hammers win.
In the next Nickname Wars, Spor Repor stays in the state of Washington and moves from the indoors to the outdoors.