Well, wasn’t that a great opening round of Nickname Wars. I mean, I disrespected my hometown, slammed a team for copying the wrong nickname from the WISL, and even had the opportunity to interject the Hunger Games into the war. I mean, you should all know this. I don’t think you as the reader would be dishonest and read this article before the previous one.
With that out of the way, let’s dive straight into the remaining match-ups of this edition of the Nickname Wars. EPLWA, you have the floor.
Capitals (Wenatchee) vs Hammers (Bellingham):
With this match-up, I had to read the last Hunger Games book in order to see how that Capital did against Jennifer Lawrence’s band of misfits and base Wenatchee’s success in this match up off of that. Well, spoiler alert, the writer of the books had no imagination and had the Capital lose in the end. Therefore, I determine if the Capital can’t even handle killing a girl with a bow and arrow, then how are they going to take out a bunch of flying hammers coming right at them. Bellingham wins. Will the Hammers be one of the rare teams that could win two Nickname Wars?
Shock (South Sound) vs Victory (Vancouver):
Once again, before I discuss this battle, I’ll remind you the reader that a Victory nickname comes from a type of boat, not the synonym for winning. Anyways, the Shock win and here is why. While a ship used in actual war is a worthy opponent, the last time I checked, boats are not real good with nature. I mean, the largest ship ever, the Titanic, was sunk by a single glacier. Imagine how a Victory will do against a shock that can cause a massive wave to simply tip the boat over, flooding it, and thus leaving it stranded and helpless.
Hammers (Bellingham) vs Shock (South Sound):
This is a very interesting match up. A bunch of hammers versus a function of mother nature. While this may seem like a close match up, in the end, it is not. In their semifinal, the Shock were battling the Victory on water and were able to cause a massive tidal wave to sink the ship or at least make it immobile. With the battle returning back to land, the Shock can still fight the Hammers. Rather than utilizing water, the Shock use the Earth itself and cause another natural disaster, an earthquake. With the Hammers being unable to fly, all the Shock has to do is watch the wonderful movie 10.5 and swallow the Hammers into the pits of the Earth never to be seen again. Shock win.
In next week’s edition of the Nickname Wars, we look at a football league who had so much hope at the start of the millennium yet only lasted just one season, however glorious it was. Don’t hate me.