A lifelong college basketball fan instantly regretted stumbling into a 7th-Place game for an early season college basketball tournament game Monday night. 

“I thought it would be fun. It’s Monday night in late November. What else did I have to do,” stated innocent bystander Keith Lockhart. “I was so wrong. I thought I enjoyed college basketball no matter what happened in the game. I was wrong. I was so wrong.”

Unbeknownst to him, Lockhart stumbled upon the 7th-Place Game for the Super Awesome Mega Classic Tournament at KeyArena. The game saw SIU Edwardsville (0-6) and Kennesaw State (0-9) vie for the first win of the tournament in the final game of the night.

With the semifinal matchups concluding earlier in the day, the entire arena had already cleared out ahead of tip-off. That’s when Lockhart stumbled into the arena and saw he was the only fan in the stands.

“I saw a banner in the concourse saying the game was going to be televised on ESPN3. I thought that meant this was going to be a good game. I was wrong. I mean sure, no one in Seattle has probably never stepped foot on either campus. The games on ESPN though. That must mean something.”

Must to his dismay, it did not. Lockhart quickly fell into a deep depression which rendered him motionless and unable to get up from his seat until the conclusion of the game.

“I saw my life flash before my eyes. I now know that every moment in life is precious. I want to become a painter. I’m going to quit my job at Microsoft tomorrow. I’m going to buy a log cabin in the woods and paint and explore the great wilderness. I think I want to adopt a rabbit and name him Ducky.”

SIU Edwardsville in the end won the game by a final score of 40-32. Each team shot below 33% from the field and combined for 72 turnovers in the game. Lockhart says he learned his lesson and hopes to educate college basketball on the dangers of watching a early season college basketball tournament.

“Don’t do early season tournaments. Just say so. Don’t give in to peer pressure. If the game is on TV, it doesn’t mean you should waste two hours of your precious life on this beautiful Earth watching it. Instead, watch the new season of Gilmore Girls on Netflix.”