Two members of the Portland Timbers were booked into Clackamas County jail Monday night on charges of driving under the influence of idiocy. Defenseman and team captain Liam Ridgewell (that’s awkward) and goalkeeper Jake Gleeson were picked up Monday night by officers responding to a crash incident that initially took place in Vancouver.

Police say Gleeson crashed his BMW into a turf monster just outside of Lake Oswego, deploying his airbags and activating his car’s onboard OnStar service. Ridgewell was then allegedly called by Gleeson to “take the bullet since you weren’t even in the squad of 18” and pick up Gleeson from the scene of the crash.

Authorities were able to track down the turf monster who recked Gleeson’s BMW, who turned out to be drinking from a large cup at a nearby pub. Sergeant Tom Hamman stated the turf monster in question was not intoxicated an was merely drinking gravy from the cup.

Police cited Gleeson for reckless endangering, reckless driving in addition to the driving under the influence of idiocy charge. Ridgewell was cited solely for a DUII charge.

Both players refused to take a breathalyzer test at the scene. “Do you even know who I am? I played on god damn Birmingham City you bloody wanker. That means something…” said Ridgewell allegedly en route to the Clackamas County jail.

The Portland Timbers released a statement to the media regarding this incident Tuesday morning.

The team is aware of the idiocy that occurred last evening involving players Jake Gleeson and Liam Ridgewell and is in the process of gathering information on the matter. The team has been in close contact with the players, our new manager, local law enforcement and the league office. The club will not have further comment until more information is available to us.