The Washington State University Athletic Department have officially acknowledged they are running out of ways to distance themselves from former basketball “player” LaVar Ball.
Ball, who averaged 2 points a game in 1988 as a member of the Cougars basketball team, has been gaining national attention these past few weeks while on a mission to remind the country why they loath the parents of professional athletes.
Some of Ball’s remarks that have received sizable attention include claiming he could take Michael Jordan 1-on-1, claiming his three sons deserve a $1 billion dollar shoe contract once all have turned pro, and that he’s a level-headed father.
The added attention has not gone unnoticed by the Cougars athletic department who have been feverishly distancing themselves from their former player. Washington State Athletic Director Bill Moos has led a charge to try and prevent the university from being attached with Ball any further, including calling each major sports network and pleading that they don’t refer to Ball as “Former Washington State Cougar.”
However, due to the longevity of Ball being in the spotlight, aided by the presence of his son Lonzo Ball in the NCAA Tournament, the department has admitted they are starting to run out of ideas.
“We’ve taken to crowdsourcing ideas from our campus community on how to prevent being associated with he who shall not be named,” said Moos. “Our staff members have exhausted all of the tactics from when Ryan Leaf’s pro career went down the tubes. He just won’t stop though. This man’s delusions of grandeur are increasing at a steady pace. You can’t compete against that using rationale.”
Over the course of the past few days, Moos says his department has received nearly 600 submissions from the Cougars community regarding LaVar Ball.
“A lot of people want us to remind the world that Ted Bundy was a Washington Husky. As an athletic department, we can’t quite work with that. We currently trying to reach out to Klay Thompson to see if he’d wear our paraphernalia during pre-game shootarounds and post-game press conferences for Golden State’s upcoming games. You know, to remind people our program can produce quality talent. Sadly, when you’re the guy Jordan shot over, people tend to not remember you vividly.”