Eastern State Hospital Asking For Public Assistance In Locating LaVar Ball

Eastern State Hospital in Medical Lake, WA is asking for the public’s assistance in locating former Washington State Cougars basketball player LaVar Ball.

Ball, who was committed to the psychiatric hospital two years ago, went missing from the facility Friday night. The hospital has asked the public to help look for Ball as they say he could pose a threat to himself and the professional basketball career of his son Lonzo.

“We only ask for the public assistance in locating patients as a last resort,” stated Dr. Phil Dassler. “While Mr. Ball’s conditions have improved while under our care, we believe that his actions warrant such a request from the public. We ask that anyone who encounters Mr. Ball to please contact our hospital and do not, under any circumstances, buy any of his crappy merchandise. It’s imperative.”

Doctors at the hospital would not divulge Ball’s specific condition, per their patient confidentiality agreement. However, Dr. Dassler would remark on what might have caused Ball’s recent disappearance.

“During one of our counseling sessions last week, Mr. Ball went on-and-on about taking down Nike. This had never been brought up in any of our previous sessions. That’s why it stuck out so much. He just kept saying he’d bring down Nike. He never gave a reason why or how he would accomplish it. I mean, it’s not like he thinks his overpriced t-shirts are the method to taking down the billion dollar company.”

Dassler has already contacted members of Ball’s extended family, whom he might try and get into contact with, regarding his disappearance. Ball’s three sons signed a restraining order against their father just prior to his commitment.

“Mr. LaVar Ball has always been a bit too close to his sons which is why they signed a restraining order against him,” stated an individual close to the Ball family. “We just hope he won’t do something stupid over the next few weeks and ruin Lonzo’s draft stock. No team will want to draft him if it also means they’ll be drafting LaVar. We wish for LaVar to return to the facility on his own accord where his condition has improved over the past few years.”