With March Madness in full swing, many Canadians are hoping the seasonal illness doesn’t spread beyond the border and into the Great White North and have started voicing their opinions to their local governments.
In Vancouver, a collection of concerned citizens have started a group known as March Happiness has started lobbying local officials to come up with a contingency plan to halt the potential spread of the illness inside of the province. The group is advocating for what they refer to as “Super Mega Ultra Emergency Universal Healthcare” as well as a temporary travel ban placed on residents from states where the illness is most prominent.
“Every year we seem to be unprepared for what the Americans refer to as March Madness,” stated Kyle Hannigan, a spokesperson for March Happiness who helped found the group. “Canadians are not accustomed to this level of delirium each spring as those in the United States are. Our immune systems aren’t accustomed to it. If the madness were to spread inside British Columbia and the rest of Canada, we might end up suffer an epidemic of epic proportions.”
While a temporary travel ban against select US residents may be seen as unconstitutional and not have any actual effect on stopping the illness from seeping into the country through natural causes, Martha Williams, another vocal supporter belonging to March Happiness, believes it is a necessity.
“Residents of Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Hawaii, Alaska, and Maine need to be kept out of Canada for the next ninety days,” said Williams. “Those states harbor citizens who succumb to this illness like no other. The ban is only temporary. It’s only to protect residents of Canada and stop the potential flood of March Madness into this country. Who doesn’t want that?”
When asked how the group came up with the list of states for their proposed travel ban, Hannigan stated “we looked long and hard at the facts. That’s why we’ve presented these specific states to be put on the list.”
When asked certain border states such as Washington and Michigan, two states that often have large numbers of March Madness sufferers, Hannigan stated “we looked long and hard at the facts. That’s why we’ve presented these specific states to be put on the list.”
When asked why states known to be hotbeds and incubators for March Madness such as Kentucky and North Carolina, Hannigan stated “we looked long and hard at the facts. That’s why we’ve presented these specific states to be put on the list.”
Members of the Vancouver city council have yet to formally responded to March Happiness’s requests.